Grieving is such a difficult experience at any age, but for kids who may be experiencing it for the first time, it can be even worse. Last year we lost my beloved grandmother, and helping Kay cope while in such mourning myself was a challenge. Today's guest post discusses how to help kids cope with one of the worst experiences - losing a loved one.
Losing a loved one is hard on anyone, but it can be especially difficult for children, who may not fully understand what has happened. They might begin to act differently or ask very difficult questions that you aren’t sure how to answer. Even though you may be grieving too, it’s important for you to be kind and understanding as you help them work through their feelings.
Symptoms of a Child's Grief
If you notice your children expressing any of these emotions soon after the death of a loved one, take it as a sign that they are struggling to deal with their grief and need more specialized attention.
- Emotional Numbness—Your children struggle to show any emotion. This is often characterized by a period of very little crying, smiling, or expression of anger, and a general disinterest in activities they would normally enjoy.
- Separation Anxiety—Your children have a difficult time being away from you and request to be held or hugged an abnormal amount throughout the day.
- Aggressive or Uncharacteristic Behavior—Your children resort to uncharacteristic outbursts, flashes of anger or violence, or a certain disregard for rules.
- Repeated Questions—Your children ask the same questions over and over, even though you have already answered them.
Helping Your Child Heal
If your children show any of those signs, there is a very good chance they are struggling to sort through their emotions and need your help to move on. In some cases, you may need to seek out professional help, but first try these tips in order to get your child through this rocky time.
Don’t Lie or Avoid Questions
Often when a child is struggling to grasp something, they will continually ask questions, maybe the same question over and over. Unfortunately, these questions might be difficult for you to handle, but you must never lie to your child or avoid answering the question because you think your child can’t handle it. Children are smarter than we think sometimes, and they will often see through your lie or deflection, causing them to feel more confused. Take the time to explain the answer until you are sure the child understands everything. This might be difficult for both of you, but the results will be worth it.
Listen.
Sometimes all a child needs is a chance to talk about their grief, and the best thing we can do is listen. A parent’s first reaction to this will likely be an urge to offer solutions and suggestions to fix the problem, but resist! Such a response may cause the child to bottle up their emotions instead of releasing them. So instead of using this as an opportunity to tell your child what to do, let him call the shots. Listen to everything he says, even if it is negative or rude. Feel free to prompt the monologue with questions like “How has that felt?” or “What makes you think that?”
Don’t Lie or Avoid Questions
Often when a child is struggling to grasp something, they will continually ask questions, maybe the same question over and over. Unfortunately, these questions might be difficult for you to handle, but you must never lie to your child or avoid answering the question because you think your child can’t handle it. Children are smarter than we think sometimes, and they will often see through your lie or deflection, causing them to feel more confused. Take the time to explain the answer until you are sure the child understands everything. This might be difficult for both of you, but the results will be worth it.
Listen.
Sometimes all a child needs is a chance to talk about their grief, and the best thing we can do is listen. A parent’s first reaction to this will likely be an urge to offer solutions and suggestions to fix the problem, but resist! Such a response may cause the child to bottle up their emotions instead of releasing them. So instead of using this as an opportunity to tell your child what to do, let him call the shots. Listen to everything he says, even if it is negative or rude. Feel free to prompt the monologue with questions like “How has that felt?” or “What makes you think that?”
Remember
It may be tempting to shove aside conversation and belongings of the deceased. However, the path to healing comes with doing just the opposite. Talk about the lost loved one with your children. Remember the fond memories you all shared. Pull out belongings of that person and let your children touch them and reminisce with you. This will put the death in a more positive light. Treating the passing as a celebration of past life rather than a mourning of death can encourage quicker healing.
Deal with Your Own Grief
You cannot hope to help your children move on if you are not able to. It’s very important to take some time for yourself so that you can deal with your emotions and be in good enough shape to support your children in their time of need. It can also be a very positive thing to let your children see you grieve. It’s natural for them to want to follow your every move, and if they see you dealing with your grief in healthy ways, they are likely to more easily understand how to handle their own grief.
Seek Professional Help When Necessary
It may be tempting to shove aside conversation and belongings of the deceased. However, the path to healing comes with doing just the opposite. Talk about the lost loved one with your children. Remember the fond memories you all shared. Pull out belongings of that person and let your children touch them and reminisce with you. This will put the death in a more positive light. Treating the passing as a celebration of past life rather than a mourning of death can encourage quicker healing.
Deal with Your Own Grief
You cannot hope to help your children move on if you are not able to. It’s very important to take some time for yourself so that you can deal with your emotions and be in good enough shape to support your children in their time of need. It can also be a very positive thing to let your children see you grieve. It’s natural for them to want to follow your every move, and if they see you dealing with your grief in healthy ways, they are likely to more easily understand how to handle their own grief.
Seek Professional Help When Necessary
When you have done all you can, but your child is still exhibiting the same behaviors and emotions, you will want to seek out someprofessional help .
Take the time to search for someone that can cater to your child’s specific needs. It’s often very scary to admit that your children need help that you cannot give them, but taking them to a professional is the next best thing you can do for them at that stage in their grief.
Remember that grieving is different for all age groups, so you will want to treat each child as an individual with very specific needs. If you are patient, kind, and quick to show that you love your children, you can be a very strong influence on their healing process.
Amber Brubaker loves to write about anything to do with learning and writing, which makes blogging her cup of tea! She loves to experiment with any information she learns, and then share advice with others in the form of tips and tricks. She enjoys cooking, organizing, and spending time with her husband and extended family.
